they're not just for comedians any more.
I've never thought that jokes about burping, farting, and pooping were funny. I guess it must be partially a Superior Intellect thing ("I have a more refined sense of humor than thou") but I've also just never found them to be funny.
Until now, that is.
Talking about poop is one of the realities of being a new parent. I asked my sister how could our mother have been so fastidious after having two babies, because it's just a never-ending melody of poop and spit-up. (And this is when the baby is immobile.) You have to discuss poop and pee in order to judge how well the baby's doing -- is anything coming out? In addition, when Sophia is extremely fussy and cranky, often it's because of gas, so we have to wait for the big burp or the big fart.
Everything having to do with the baby is hilarious (at least, when it's not driving Mommy to cry), and pooping and farting and burping are no exceptions. They may even be funnier because this teeny person is involved. As in:
DARIN and DIANE sit in the living room. SOPHIA, a
cute, teeny baby cries on Darin's lap.
Sophia begins to arch her back, crying all the while.
DARIN
Why does she do that?
DIANE
Oh, someone on one of my lists
said that that's gas--
SFX: The loudest farting or pooping noise EVER.
The cute, teeny baby stops crying and watches Mommy
and Daddy laugh hysterically for five minutes.
It's not always laughter. I do get overwhelmed and start crying every so often.
Of the 18 hours a day I'm awake, Sophia's in my arms about 14 or 15 of them. I spend at least 8 hours a day nursing her, unless she's going through one of these growth spurt times when she just wants to nurse all the time. Nursing is exhausting and boring and uncomfortable, because I can't do very much during it: reading a paperback book is about the extent of my range of motion. And no, gazing into my baby's eyes is not enough mental stimulation for that amount of time.
(Reportedly, after several weeks breastfeeding feels good...really good, like one of the great joys in life, right up there with sex. I file this under "Exercise Gives You Energy" and "High School Is The Best Time Of Your Life" -- yeah, right. Right now nursing is going fine -- it stings a bit, but for the most part it's okay.)
The other night Darin had a friend, Paul, over, and they went downstairs to do something on the computer. I nursed Sophia...and then as she was still hungry, I nursed her some more. And some more. What was supposed to be a little snack turned into an hour and a half of nursing. Darin came upstairs to find me crying all over her. "She won't stop eating!" I said.
He took her from me -- she clearly wasn't going to starve and I was clearly on the edge of hysterical exhaustion (no nap for Mommy!) -- and told me I should get ready for bed. He took Sophia down to our room and got her to sleep at the same time. I would have thanked him, but I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
Darin has begged me to go get him before I get to the point of crying, but I've discovered I have a real taboo against interrupting him, particularly during the day, when he's working. Darin can get Sophia to sleep like a pro (a professional babysleep maker?), but sometimes she cries up a storm before she does fall asleep and I hate the idea of her crying during one of Darin's business phone calls. Mind you, since Darin works at home 400 miles from the home office, he conducts a lot of business over the phone, so background noise is probably not helpful.
I pretty much finished the birth story. Only took me five weeks, eh? Well, my typing time is severely limited at the moment -- I get about an hour or so in the evenings, when Darin is holding Sophia. Not an hour straight, mind you, as I take the baby so he can eat or even so she can eat...if she can stop crying long enough to nurse.
During the day I can read e-mail or look at a few things on the web, but I can't usually type, because one arm is full. I also can only look at the web sporadically. If I send one piece of e-mail during the day, it's a pretty good day, so I'm sorry if I haven't responded to mail from you recently.
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Copyright 2000 Diane Patterson
Send comments and questions to diane@spies.com