Another Entry

When I actually write, such as working on scenes for my Homicide spec, I enjoy the process. I have fun with it. I know that the first draft is probably shit, but what the hell, make the made up people dance around and do and say things they have never done before.

I'm finding my Resistance is building. Getting me started each day is taking an act of will. Something that I enjoy, something that I'm good at (wow -- writing those words took a leap of faith!), should not be regarded as akin to fingernail-pulling.

            THERAPIST
        Clearly you are deriving some
        benefit from this behavior.

            DIANE
        Benefit? Benefit? I'm
        miserable. 

            THERAPIST
        What are some possible reasons
        you might continue acting
        in this way?

            DIANE
        Um, I don't know.

            THERAPIST
        Everyone knows deep down
        why they do the things they
        do.

            DIANE
        That's why I'm here. To cut
        to the chase. You tell me.

            THERAPIST
        Just give me some reasons.

            DIANE
        I'm lazy and I just want
        to play video games all day.
           (beat)
        I'm a masochist and I
        enjoy torturing myself.
           (beat)
        I'm sabotaging any chance
        I might have had to be
        a success.

            THERAPIST
        Why would you do that?

            DIANE
        Is that it? Is that why?

            THERAPIST
        You tell me.

            DIANE
        Some help you are.
           (beat)
        Okay, so that when I fail
        I can say it's because 
        I didn't try hard enough.

            THERAPIST
        Do you want to fail?

            DIANE
        No, of course not. I hate
        failing.

            THERAPIST
        What have you failed at?

            DIANE
        Lots of things.

            THERAPIST
        Name three.

            DIANE
        I didn't get into graduate
        school the first time I tried.

            THERAPIST
        When was that?

            DIANE
        When I graduated from Stanford.
        I applied to Computer Science
        and Linguistics. All my friends 
        got into the CS Department.

            THERAPIST
        Did you really want to get a 
        master's in Computer Science?

            DIANE
        I thought I did.

            THERAPIST
        What are some other things
        you've failed at?

    An ominous silence fills the room.

            DIANE
        Just give me a second. I
        feel like there have been
        so many.

            THERAPIST
        You just can't think of
        any right now.

            DIANE
        They're kind of nebulous.
        Like, I can't stand up for
        myself in a fight.

            THERAPIST
        Why do you think you do
        that?

            DIANE
        How much am I paying you
        for this? 
        

Anyhow, this is kind of mental dialogue that's been going through my mind. I've started pawing through the self-help books -- I pulled out Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow. The next step on my downward slide, by the way, is I pull out the Tarot cards and start trying to read positive signs in the future. Then I have to wallow at the bottom for a while before I start up again.

I'm getting really tired of the wallowing stage. I hate wallowing. I hate feeling like a useless pile of trash. I hate feeling like I'm lazy, and I hate feeling like I'm on some kind of wild goose chase down here. Because then I start to feel guilty, like somehow I've lied to everyone and I've taken advantage of Darin.

Well, it sucks, how I feel right now.