enough about me. what do you think of me?
I also decided to get rid of the need of approval... that is a strong addiction, the need of approval, isn't it? I'm on the patch right now, actually. It releases small doses of approval until I no longer need it, then I'm going to rip it off.
One year ago: I see an intensely silly shark movie.
Two years ago: Hot-Handed God of Cops. What else do you need to know?
Three years ago: I plan to network with USC buddies. Bwah hah hah.
Four years ago: I wiggle out of lunch.
Today I decided to start digging through my In Box and reply to messages I've gotten over the past few months.
I've responded to messages I got in January. In case you're a recipient of an e-mail from me that makes you go, "What in the hell is this?" I'm in March and April right now. It's not a well-planned thing on my part, but I have cut my In Box in half today.
I'd like to blame Her Royal Pookieness for my slackitude, but I think I just became a space cadet when it came to replying to mail. I'm working on it!
Today was, of course, my big day of fame! My voice, broadcast over the BBC.
When I get an electronic version of the show, I will upload to my site, so you can all hear the unbelievably intelligent and amazing things I had to say. Or, you know, whatever it is I did say.
Had you been on my notify list, you would have been told when and where to tune in to hear me. Repeatedly, actually.
I was a little obnoxious telling everyone in creation about the BBC interview because I have realized of late -- by the way, that's code for "am working on in therapy" -- that I'm really, really good at fading in the woodwork. There are Reasons for this. I crave being the center of attention and, yet, when it comes my way I do things like, "No, no, me, I'm nobody, check out so-and-so there."
I do that over and over again. It's deadly not only for my career but for my ego in general. "Oh, that? Oh, that's nothing." And, you know, it may be nothing, but I have to snap out of talking about what I've done as being nothing.
I even married a guy who, I think it is safe to say, is quite comfortable being the center of attention. In taking control of a conversation if no one else does. In taking control of it even if someone does.
Anyhow, my assignment for the next, um, lifetime is to toot my own horn a little more often. To get more in the habit of it. Of saying, "Look at me." Perhaps it will become habit, or perhaps I will become just a little more comfortable taking credit for something I've done. Because God knows with the goals I've set for myself, calling attention to myself is practically Job One.
I look at some people who have no problems whatsoever preening and complimenting themselves and I think, What's so damn hard about it? Everybody else does it. And you know, they're not that much better than I am. Enough with the deflection and downplaying, okay, Diane? You can sound just like them, and maybe, with enough practice, you'll have an ego like they do too.
Yes, there's more to it than that -- this is not merely a touchy-feely California exercise in self-aggrandizement. I am doing this, as you might suspect, for my daughter.
"Uh-huh. Sure."
No, I am. I'm not sure how much I buy into the psychological mumbo-jumbo theory that goes along with this, but...I don't want Sophia growing up repeating to herself what she's heard Mommy say to herself. I want her to see herself as smart and capable and confident, and I don't want my, shall we say, less than self-confident moments to seep through.
So. I'm going to turn into a raging egomaniac. Won't that be fun to watch?
And now, by popular demand, your moment of Pookie Zen:
Mommy, don't smear my makeup, that's all I ask.
In the forum:
What's the worst big-budget movie you've ever seen?
Can you really understand loving children if you don't have them?
Should I add something to "Why Web Journals Suck" about banner ads and donations?
Got any Mom advice for Holiday?
Here's a question that needs answering: WHY do people put fuzzy dice on their rear-view mirrors?
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Copyright 2000 Diane Patterson
Send comments and questions to diane@nobody-knows-anything.com