Dec 19, 1996
Falling Through Glass
You have to hang on tighter, just
to keep from being thrown to the wolves.
Today Donut is at the doc, and of course is acting like a little angel.
(Why I oughta...!) They won't find anything wrong, I'll bring Donut
home, and it'll yack all over the carpeting. Sigh.
So I'm
playing on Darin's computer, using his web browser, his mail program,
etc. I realized that whenever the computer slows down for some
reasongetting something off the Net,
opening an appI realize I am afraid it's
crashed. This is what Donut has done to me. Made me doubt that my
computer will last beyond a hiccough. Argh! I'm so annoyed.
What I
didn't do today is go to Greg's pretrial hearing, the hearing in which
they decide whether to have a trial or not. My excuse is I didn't know
where it was. It's not a great excuse. I asked him to send me the info;
I could have asked a little more energetically.
 no, I'm not including the URL;
that page doesn't need any more publicityentitled
My Rant On Why Web Journals SuckI got
started on it as I began updating some of my pages, which it turns out
haven't been touched in months. I realized I was avoiding the journals
pages. The List O' Journals page, which had started out so well when I
first it did five or six millenia ago, is hopelessly outdated. I could
just put a big link to Open Pages with an arrow pointing to it"GO HERE!" Or I could try to list
every single journal that I know of, that Open Pages has, that other
lists of journals have, that Yahoo has...but then I'd have to go to each
and every one, see if it was still a viable link and remotely current.
The
cold hand of fear that gripped my soul as I contemplated going to each
and every one of those journals told me something. Something
important.
Which
I, in my narcissistic way, am going to share with you very, very soon.
"Falling Through Glass" is one of the common themes of these snippets.
Someonegood buy, bad guy, alive or dead,
we have no ideacrashes through a giant ceiling
of glass. Sometimes it's a low-angle shot, from the floor looking up,
sometimes high-angle, watching the person get smaller and smaller
untilCRASH. Right through the glass.
I'm
not fantasizing that it's me going through the glass; this isn't a
repressed death wish. I think it's a combination of a)falling scenes
being particularly effective in the movies and b)having vertigo. Some
great falling scenes:
And, in the spirit of telling
you more than you wanted to know: I've never been suicidal. No, really.
I have often wished I were dead; I just didn't want to actively achieve
that end. This is a state known as passive suicidal ideation, for
those of you who collect $10 phrases.
Part
of the reason I have never thought about taking my own life is that,
for me, suicide is the ultimate statement of being a failure, of
giving up. And we all know how well I take to that.
The
other part is, well...it seems very unpleasant. And I knowI just knowthat I would change my mind,
about a nanosecond too late. "No, wait...damn, the gun's already gone
off/I'm passing out from the fumes/I can't get to the phone."
I
prefer to let the feelings pass. There's always something to live for.
Always.
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