Contemplate The Void

Want to know how I'm feeling? Sit back, close your eyes (after you finish reading this), and imagine a witch's cauldron bubbling, steaming, swirling, full of green goo and contents best left unnamed. That's my stomach, currently a pit of endless anxiety.

I even bought a book on how to deal with this, because I am upfront with my inner neuroses (an unfortunate side effect of being in therapy is that you're horribly aware of what makes you tick): Feel The Fear--And Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers. Basically, it's "How to confront the nagging internal demons that tell you that not only is what you want completely unreachable for someone of your lowly status, but you're ugly too."

I've taken to saying affirmations out loud as I do my morning run, which has triple benefits: not only do I get to say the affirmations without Darin overhearing and thinking I'm a weirdo, but I can check my breathing pattern (whether I'm going too hard or not hard enough), and if anybody sees me talking to myself, they'll assume I'm insane and not bother me. So I recommend this method highly.

Darin read my Thesis Script yesterday. He really liked it--says he loved reading it. Now, before you say, "Of course he liked it, he wants to get nookie," you must understand that Darin will tell me flat out when something's crap. He's done it in the past. That's what he does for a living, and if you've worked with him, you know how he is. He may be slightly more considerate with me when he does it--there is the nookie factor, after all--but he still does it, and he doesn't whitewash it at all.

This led to an important realization on my part early on in our relationship. We had gone out for a walk, and I burst into tears suddenly. He asked me what was wrong, and I said, "If we break up, I'll lose the best editor I've ever had." Even then, I had my priorities straight, eh?

So, he read my script, and he liked it. Mind you, he still had comments to make. He edited the dialogue as he went along, pointed out things he didn't understand (ah, the benefits of a cold reading), and made suggestions.

Darin is getting better at making structural comments, rather than just "I enjoyed this scene" or "I didn't follow what was going on here." One of the big ones he made had to do with a plot weakness during Act II (the Great Sahara of the screenplay)--so, contrary to my determination yesterday that I wasn't going to change it any more, I edited some of the dialogue and changed one scene in order to reinforce the stakes of what's going on. Good thing he caught that! No one else did.

It's out of my hands on Friday. Actually, I'll probably print up my copies before then and bring champagne to class on Thursday. And stay drunk for the next 2 weeks.

I've been keeping busy:

• I started rewriting the Rewrite Script.

• I've started making up the list of who I want to send a query letter to.

• I've drawn up the invitations to our graduation/housewarming party.

• I made Darin cook dinner tonight: broiled salmon with onion and a mint-tomato salsa, plus broccoli.

107.1 here in Los Angeles has been having an All-You-Can-Eat 80's weekend, and I have been reliving some of the choice moments of high school and college. It's utterly frightening: remember Spandau Ballet? Men At Work? Toni Basil?

"Hey Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey!"

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Yesterday: nothing. So I have gone a week without weights.

4.7 miles this morning.