In case you need some easy reading for a Sunday night: The 10 Most Startling Speculations about September 11 (via Long Story, Short Pier)

For about thirty minutes after his chief of staff told him that America was under attack, George W. Bush continued to sit in an elementary school classroom listening to a second-grader tell a story about a pet goat. He did a marvelous job of looking completely unsurprised. Meanwhile, four hijacked jumbo jets were able to fly off-course across several states without encountering any opposition from the most powerful and responsive air force in the world.

Less than a month later, on the pretext of pursuing terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden, the Bush administration began what it called a “war” on the impoverished and already war-torn country of Afghanistan. It turns out this assault had been in the works well before September 11 took place.

Soon after replacing the Taliban government with one more to its liking (and, in what is surely a coincidence, resuscitating the world’s most bountiful opium fields), the administration began agitating for a similar, but even more destructive, bombardment of the oil-rich nation of Iraq. This, although Osama bin Laden was still at large and no link between him and Saddam Hussein could be established…

In line at Starbucks today—you know, the place where we pay $3 for a cup of milk with a touch of caffeine thrown in—the woman in front of me complained to her friend that it cost fifty dollars to fill up her car. “FIFTY dollars! It was two dollars a gallon!”

Which means she has a 25-gallon car.

Which means she has a fucking tank. What car takes 25 gallons?

Man, she was pissed. Because cheap gas is her right, dammit.

Honey, you deserve those kinds of prices. Economize now: stay out of my Starbucks.

(Darin’s comment: “Just lugging around that much fuel is going to hurt your fuel economy.”)

If I were to create an anonymous political blog, I would name it “Heilige Scheisse,” because those seem to be the first words out of my mouth whenever I read the news these days.

• This scenario is pretty much the same story as I heard from various sources right after 9/11. But the Republicans are also the gang that believes $3m to investigate 9/11 and $70m. to investigate something, anything about Bill Clinton is about right.
• It’s an article of faith around California that, right after the Supremes did their thing in late 2000, at the very least energy traders figured they had a friend in the White House. “Go ahead, screw ’em, they didn’t vote for me.”
• Every time I think this Administration can go no lower, they manage to surprise me.
• Duct tape and plastic sheeting? Duct tape? Didn’t one person—just had to be one, speaking quietly even—say aloud: “Gee, you know, people might make fun of this. Think we’re not serious. Come up with headlines like ‘Duct and Cover.'”?
• In case you haven’t heard, duct tape and plastic sheeting are petroleum products. Jesus, these guys are oilmen to the core.
• I got two fucking words for you, you morons: North fucking Korea! Oh, that’s right: their missiles can only hit the West Coast, and we didn’t vote for you.

I’m going to go read some happy-happy fun things, like romance novels or the Anarchist’s Cookbook. See you later.