Can anyone get Chevy Chase onto Weekend Update to say: “This just in: Barack Obama is still black!”

That should make it easier on the McCain/Palin crowd.

I won’t be able to watch the VP Debate—I’m going to be working over at the Foothill New Works Festival (seats still available!). If you’re going to be watching the debates and making a drinking game out of it, you need to prepare ahead of time, however. So here are a few ideas:

The Number One Rule: More important than having lots of coffee on hand, have lots of water available, to flush the alcohol out of your system. All coffee does is make you a wide-awake drunk.

Now, on to the game:

If you want to compare Palin to Tina Fey in some way: 1 sip.

If you manage not to say it out loud: 2 sips.

If Gwen Ifill then proceeds to make the same comparison: chug.

If you look at your watch while Biden’s speaking: 1 sip.

If you don’t even wear a watch and you do it anyhow: 1 sip.

If you’re temporarily blinded by the whiteness of Biden’s teeth: 1 sip.

If Palin manages a long answer with no factual content whatsoever: 1 sip.

If Palin manages a long answer with complete sentences: 2 sips.

If McCain comes out on the stage and answers for Palin: chug.

“Experience”: 1 sip.

“Fresh ideas”: 1 sip.

“Amtrak”: 1 sip.

“Bridge to Nowhere”: 2 sips.

(Oh my God — I started listening in my car and I’m just stunned.)

“Maverick”: 1 sip and roll eyes.

“Kids”, “Baseball game”, or “Hockey”: 1 sip and a joke.

“Cut taxes as mayor and/or governor”: Yell loudly, “20 million dollar debt” and/or “Oil company windfall gain!”

Obama – “Look” – 1 sip
Mccain – “My friends” – 1 sip
“Change” – jumping jack (to burn off alcohol)
Obama – “Are you f’ing kidding me?” – 2 sips
McCain – “POW” – chug
McCain – out and out lie – 1 sip (trying to pace ourselves)
McCain – mentioning Sarah Palin – 2 sips
Obama – 3 syllable word – 1 sip
“Iraq” – run around the house lift glass, yell
Obama – “John is right” – Diane screams
McCain – “terrorist organizations” – laugh hysterically
McCain – “Look” – 1 sip
Wondering who these corky CNN graders are – 1 sip
McCain – “Miss Congeniality” – 1 sip (max 3 sips)
Obama – induces McCain rage – 1 sip
Obama gets to 50 points with CNN analysts – Craig and Erik jam
McCain – “Maverick” – scream in disbelief

(We are so far behind real-time in this debate and I’m already toasty.)

McCain – mentions where he’s been or who he’s met – drink coffee
McCain – “What Senator Obama doesn’t understand” – throw tissues at TV wish we’d kept track of how many times that one had come up

HE ACTUALLY BROUGHT UP BEING A POW. Unfuckingbelievable.