Nobody Knows Anything

Welcome to Diane Patterson's eclectic blog about what strikes her fancy

What the professor said

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One of the funniest things my sister ever reported back to me after she went off to college was the class in which, on the first day, the professor announced, “As of today you are two weeks behind, you will always be two weeks behind, and you cannot catch up.”

I kinda feel like that sometimes.

I keep thinking about all the things I’d like to post in here but never get around to. Like the post I started working on about Ah-nuld and Prop. 187—I hope I’ll finish it. Someday. Before the elections even.

Or what my daily schedule is like now. I am schedule woman, hear me roar!

Or (for Wordplay fans) the Top Ten List of Verboten Wordplay Topics, or things I’d rather never see discussed on the boards again.

But after having done my Wordplay rounds and checked on a few blogs, it’s already time to wake up Simon and dash off to get Sophia at school. Preschool’s out for summer!

We’re going to be at the Y a lot next week.

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The funniest thing that I can remember a professor saying at college was in a Philosophy class (of course). He was discussing indirect modes of discourse and had the strangest European accent, probably Swedish but I don’t remember. Anyhow, he gave as the situation that you’re standing on a bus and someone steps on your foot. Direct discourse is: “You’re standing on my foot.” Slightly indirect discourse is: “Mine is the foot underneath yours.” Extremely indirect discourse: “Are you traveling very far?”

Fair. Balanced. And a little wonky

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So you’ve all heard about Fox News’s incredibly stupid lawsuit against Al Franken because of the title of his new book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right—which is now #1 on Amazon largely because of the publicity this lawsuit has created. Way to go Fox, extremely fair and balanced of you.

And Blah3 is fighting the good fight and keeping a list of all blogs that have gone “fair and balanced”; make Blah3’s day, join the party.

So I changed the code for Nobody Knows Anything’s subtitle from a collection of strange little taglines grouped solely according to my whim to a collection of taglines grouped solely because they contain the words “fair and balanced.”

And now my blog’s acting weird.

The right-hand column—which evidently already has problems in Mozilla and no, I haven’t fixed it yet—now doesn’t load when I open my page. The loading bar in Safari goes about halfway across…and then just hangs.

Any ideas why?

Here, by the way, is the randomization code I use for the subtitle, in case a)the answer’s there or b)you want something similar. I got the code off of the Movable Type’s board originally.

<script LANGUAGE = "JavaScript"> 
<!-- 

function makeArrayText(len) { 
for (var i = 0; i < len; i++) this[i] = null; 
this.length = len; 
}

ran_text = new makeArrayText(5); 
// be sure to set makearray(n) = number of items to be 
included in the array, and start at zero! 
ran_text[0] = 'Fair and balanced, baby. Fair and balanced.';
ran_text[1] = 'You ain\'t seen fair and balanced
 \'til you\'ve read NKA.';
ran_text[2] = 'Fair and balanced since <i>at least</i> 1996.';
ran_text[3] = 'Fair <i>and</i> balanced twice a day, 
like clockwork.';
ran_text[4] = 'Except how fair and balanced my blog is.';

function rand(n) { 
seed = (0x015a4e35 * seed) % 0x7fffffff; 
return (seed >> 16) % n; 
}

var now = new Date() 
var seed = now.getTime() % 0xffffffff 

// --> 
</SCRIPT> 

<script LANGUAGE="JavaScript" TYPE="text/javascript"> 
<!-- 
document.write(ran_text[rand(ran_text.length)]) 
//--> 
</SCRIPT>

(I’ve slightly edited the text—inserting line breaks after “number of items to be”, “You ain\’t seen fair and balanced,” and “twice a day”—to make it fit on the page. Those breaks are not causing this problem!)

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The funniest comment I read somewhere about this lawsuit: “If Fox News can sue Al Franken over use of the term ‘fair and balanced,’ does that mean the American people can sue Fox News over use of the term ‘News’?”

And I can’t remember who said it! If you know, drop me a line.

Birthday

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Yup. Today was another birthday.

We went all out with the birthday today, mostly for Sophia, who is very into the idea of birthdays. She and Daddy went to get me a cake. She helped Daddy wrap some gifts for me. She wished me a happy birthday over and over again, and informed me (as she does several times a week) that when it’s her next birthday, she’ll be four. In case I was in danger of forgetting that little fact.

Darin’s brothers and their girlfriends came over. The eight of us (six adults, two kidlets) went to the Fiesta de Artes in downtown Los Gatos. Most towns have an Art and Wine festival; Los Gatos has a Fiesta de Artes. I guess the Vino is simply implied.

The kids slept through the entire thing in their strollers. Wouldn’t that be great? Have a litter borne by servants take you everywhere? Remind me to add that to my list of “Stuff I want when I’m filthy rich and can have anything.”

Rob Petrie joined us after the Fiesta. His wife, Laura, was off at her grandmother’s 90th birthday party. And no, their last name isn’t really Petrie, but they are Rob and Laura, which is how we came up with that nickname.

We had dinner (Chinese), and we finally got to the important part of the day: cake! Sophia insisted on putting the candles on the cake—she wanted to put five. (Because, clearly, no one can be older than five.) She sang in on “Happy Birthday,” which was especially great because for the longest time Sophia hated that song and would run away when it was time to sing it at someone’s birthday.

And of course she helped me open presents, which included both the “Once More With Feeling” CD and an iPod! So I can listen to books or music on the treadmill! (Not that I’m actually expecting to get to a treadmill again, but if it happens, great!) I have never listened to books on tape before, but I am actually looking forward to the experience.

Simon, who has eaten very little since he started battling a fever Thursday night, grunted and pointed at our plates of cake until I gave him some. For a guy who doesn’t talk much, he sure is a damn fine communicator.

Our guests went home and we got the kids to bed. Darin fell asleep beside me as I was playing “Tropico” on my Powerbook, so I went downstairs, where I proceeded to write these entries, send e-mail to Josh Marshall with a question I’ve had about recent political events, and nod my head in resigned agreement with Jeanne D’Arc’s essay about outrage fatigue. I mean, Christ, I live in California, where the governorship of the state is being treated like it’s the fucking prize on Star Search. (“Tonight on FOX: Who Wants To Be California’s Governor? One vote per viewer, please. No, tee hee, just kidding.”)

You know, we had an election last year. I hate Gray Davis. I hate him so much I refer to him as “Pete” without even realizing I’m doing it. But you know what? He won. And boy, the Republicans won’t stop at anything, will they?

(Breathe. Breathe. It’s too late at night to start working yourself up over this. Breathe.)

Anyhow. I hope Simon is feeling better tomorrow. I hope you are having a nice quiet evening in your home. And if you feel the need to send me birthday greetings, presents, or cash, please feel free.