they make it sound so possible, which is the scary part.
I smoke a lot of crack
Why I'll just never make it Hollywood, #61: I went to bed last night, everybody else stayed at the bar and ended up talking to Shane Black for hours and hours. This morning, when we ran into him at the Omni Hotel, he stopped by Toni to ask where the room he was going to be in was.
I woke up this morning at 9 and discovered that Pooks, Toni, and Ruth (who are in the room across the hall, remember) were already gone. I got up and dressed and walked over to Starbucks for orange juice and a piece of poppyseed cake, showing exactly how pathetic my food choices are when I don't have a box of cereal on hand.
They came back, having taxi'd to Kerbey Lane, and said they hadn't wanted to wake me up because I was a)so tired and b)so pregnant. Between the three of them, they've had 7 kids (all boys, by the way), so you'd think they'd know I'm not going to break. Well, harrumph.
We went over to the Omni to get Ruth registered and go to the first presentation, which was Shane Black, Scott Frank, and Callie Khouri talking about the use of humor in non-comedy movies. Of course, this rapidly devolved into, "What's your process for writing?" because everyone there is deeply aware of who these three people are. I didn't get any great wisdom out of this panel, but I did get some very, very funny lines.
"My biggest problem is that people will say something and I'll think, What does this have to do with my movie?" -- Callie Khouri, on getting so deeply involved with her writing.
"These guys are action heroes...and they're talking." -- Shane Black, on talkativeness at the wrong time.
"I always think of Steve McQueen: man, woman, child..." -- Scott Frank, on writing for a specific actor.
"I'm never done. I watch the movie and think, Oh shit." -- SF
"Part of the reason I'm so little prduced is I produce so little." -- CK
"All of us up here--well, except for Scott--are insecure." -- SB
"This shouldn't be anyone's first choice of a job." -- CK
"Too much math for me." -- SF, responding to a question about 2-D characters versus 3-D characters being funny.
"Shamed characters are the ones who feel the most vulnerable." -- SB
"What is it that a character doesn't want you to find out about them?" -- CK
I decided to go to the next panel, which was in the same room. The panel was all about pitching--reportedly what not to do, but they went over in detail what to do as well. Basically, don't go through the story beat by beat: "...and then this happened, and then this happened..." Focus on the story, give a couple of key visuals with specific details, and a couple of specific scenes. Give the exec enough so that the exec can go and pitch it to someone else--very important: someone always reports to someone else.
There were several other very good points brought up in the session--including a few unwilling volunteers brought up to re-pitch a story just described, which was a good object lesson in why you have to keep it simple, with really clear visuals. The most important thing to remember is: you're using the pitch to get them to read the script--not make it possible for you to go to the bank.
The main screenwriter on the panel, Sam Scribner, told a hysterical story about a pitch he did on the fly one day when he went to go meet some investors who turned out to be with the Mafia or something. They hated all of his ideas and he was afraid he was going to end up in landfill. So off the top of his head he said, "Well, there's this other one called Cheerleaders From Hell..."--at which point the main guy said, "I see movie." (No, not a typo: no article used.) Scribner then made up the gist of this movie right there, using big brushstrokes.
The main guy subsequently disappeared--no idea what happened to him, if you know what I mean--but Scribner has optioned Cheerleaders From Hell several times and gotten a lot of response to it, because it was a very clear movie.
I met Pooks, Toni, and Ruth back at the hotel room--both Pooks and Toni had gone to lie down to recover from terrible headaches. They asked me about the pitching session, so I gave the sample pitch (for a script named Accelerants, written by a member of Scribner's San Francisco Screenwriters Association) and told them about Cheerleaders From Hell.
I can't remember what Ruth went off to do, but for dinner, Pooks and Toni and I asked the concierge for a recommendation, and in a very Gallic voice he recommended Chez Nous. We suspected him of bias. It turned out to be very good, if a little pricey--I had beef with bearnaise sauce, and Pooks and Toni had different fish dishes. Pooks left early to get us seats at the Shane Black Fireside Chat, while Toni and I ate the desserts that came with our prix fixe menus.
Shane Black's hour-long chat was great. He started off with a few words of wisdom--depend on your friends, don't get caught up in the hype, and for God's sake don't get cynical. (I was kind of amused to hear all this, having just reread that entry recently.) He really sees cynicism as an excuse, as a way of explaining failure, of saying "It's not my fault." Of course, he proceeded to say several cynical things over the next hour, but it was fun nonetheless. He seems to be a really nice, if slightly standoffish guy who isn't very comfortable being the center of attention.
After the chat we headed down to the bar. Ruth was already there and said that it was damn hard to get a drink out of the bartender--I said, "That's it! Then I'm not drinking!"
I saw Sam Scribner and introduced him as the Cheerleaders From Hell guy. ("Everywhere I go, it's Cheerleaders From Hell," he mock-grumbled.)
Ruth introduced us at some point to Larry Karaszewski, co-writer of The People Vs. Larry Flynt, Ed Wood, and the upcoming Man On the Moon. I chatted with his wife Emily about yoga, and she recommended a place where I should check out the prenatal yoga classes.
I realized after a while that I was babbling incoherently, so I went upstairs, talked to Darin, and went to bed. Of course, I had a hard time falling asleep, but that may be par for the course for a)being on vacation, and b)being away from Darin.
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Copyright 1999 Diane Patterson
Send comments and questions to diane@spies.com