diane is gripped by a strange, but familiar, lust.
The quote of the day:
If you want free adult movies and all the amenities of a cheap motel room, just come back to our place.
I don't think there are many cheap motels with ultrasuede couches. Or any couches at all.
Running news:
5.3 spiky miles.
Then I notice that everyone's dialogue is out of sync. Oops.
I don't think it's intentional. But maybe CBS has gotten into performance art or something.
About 3 million years ago--more like 6 months, but I exaggerate for emphasis--Fernando and Nancy restarted my pen collection, which got lost in our move. They gave me a beautiful Mont Blanc fountain pen as a graduation present. Problem: it had a medium-width nib, and I prefer fine or extra-fine nibs.
With my usual dedication to problem-solving, I let the pen sit in our living room for months.
Earlier this week, I took the pen back to Bloomie's, where Fernando bought it, to exchange the nib. Problem: there was no one there to help me. I had to wait for the Mont Blanc specialist, who wouldn't be in until the next day.
Oh, fine.
I went in yesterday and the only woman working in the luggage/handbags/fine gifts area couldn't help me, I had to wait until she was available. Oh, fine. I went down to Macy's, did some Christmas shopping.
Then I returned to Bloomingdale's. Another sales clerk was available. She wanted me to wait 30 minutes for the Mont Blanc specialist to show up, but I said no. So she went to get her manager's permission to help me.
She returned with two other pens of the model Fernando had bought me. "But it doesn't say on the box what the nib is," she said.
I opened the boxes and looked at the pens. "That's because they're ballpoints," I said.
I decided to wait for the Mont Blanc specialist and set off to kill 30 minutes in the mall. This may be easy for many of you, but I hate shopping and I won't do it unless I have a specific objective. So I went and bought a couple of sweaters--it's winter, you know.
I came back and the sales clerk ran--I kid you not--to get the Mont Blanc specialist for me.
The Mont Blanc specialist told me that only medium-width nibs were available at Bloomie's, because that's the most popular nib (or, I thought, it's the only nib available here). So what I'd have to do is send the pen back to Mont Blanc's headquarters, they'd exchange the nib for me. She went in the back and got me a pre-addressed box for me.
When she came back, she said, "There's a new Mont Blanc store in Beverly Hills. Maybe they'd change the nib for you."
A much better idea than shipping the pen cross-country. I can't believe it took me this long to get to that tidbit of information.
I called the Mont Blanc store and they said, Sure--instead of changing the nib, they'd just swap the entire pen.
I drove to B.H. today and parked in the valet lot that cost $1.25...every 15 minutes. Yes, I know places like Manhattan and Chicago and San Francisco are more expensive. But $6.00 an hour is outrageous for these here parts.
I found the store and waited while the lone clerk rang up the purchase of some ink for the guy already in there. The customer wanted a demonstration of how to refill the pen from the inkwell. He probably cost me $1.25 for that alone.
I spent my wait looking at all the pens on display. I especially coveted the pen that cost $10,000. (It's gold. And it must come with a development deal at Paramount.) Ho, mama. I damped down my pen lust and went back to the pens that only cost a couple of hundred.
Finally the clerk exchanged my pen for me. Then I asked for a box of blue-black cartridges, which set him off on a search worthy of finding Private Ryan. "This is a new shop," he said by way of explaining why the hell he couldn't find it.
Then he rang me up. "Forty-five dollars."
"Excuse me?"
By this time, the other clerk had returned and told him that a carton, which contains 10 boxes of cartridges, is $45. A single box is only $4.50.
I ran from the store in fear. I had a parking bill of $3.00. Boy, Mont Blancs are expensive, aren't they?
A while back, I got a catalogue for fountain pens. All types of fountain pens. Expensive pens. Cheap plastic pens. All other types of pens. Basically, it was pen-ography. (Ba-duh-bump-bump.)
I couldn't remember who made the catalogue. But I knew that there are some intelligent people out there, so I made a plea on my notify list for links to pen sites out there.
And one very comforting thing I've discovered: I'm not the only person sexually obsessed by stationery products. Don't fool yourself--it's sexual. My readers are very well-informed by where to get my fix. And now, I do my part in passing on this information to you.
Pen info you need:
- Fountain Pen Hospital
- Fine Pens Online
- Menash Signatures
- Levenger
- World Pen
- Fahrney's
- Pen links galore
- In case there's one that we've missed: All the pen links anyone could ever need
We had dinner tonight with Fernando at Hortobagy's, a really great Hungarian restaurant right near where I lived in Studio City.
Strangely, there are also a string of very cheesy motels that advertise king size beds and porno movies along that stretch of Ventura.
I asked, "Where do you get the hookers?" I didn't see anywhere to pick up hookers around there.
"The hookers probably come with the room," Fernando said.
I can't believe this, but Saturday Night Live had the funniest routine: "Make This Happen," which is a game show in which contestants have to make high-concept pitches based on a topic, a genre, and a star. "Taco salads, a 200 million dollar budget, and stars Markie Post and Hulk Hogan."
The final round has the contestants pitching ridiculous ideas to--who else?--Lorne Michaels (who'll probably develop movies based on them).
Well, I enjoyed the hell out of it.
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Copyright 1998 Diane Patterson
Send comments and questions to diane@spies.com