some random thoughts as i avoid work.
The quote of the day:
Most of the (paramilitary) squads stay in existence because there is too much incentive not to, police officers say. Forfeiture laws passed by Congress at the height of the crack scare were designed to take the profit out of drug dealing; assets like cars, boats, guns and cash can be seized, regardless of whether the person who owns them is later convicted.
Running news:
Went to the gym. Whoo.
I got a letter from my high school the other day. (They want money, what else?) It was addressed to Miss Diane Patterson, and I found myself thinking, What planet are they on? Even the New York Times does "Ms." at this point. But the only way to change that form of address for them, the gatekeepers of the old social order, is to go to "Mrs." and have a completely different last name.
The whole thing about changing your name in this society is still so weird. I never gave it much thought when I was younger because I wasn't wholly convinced that I would a)get married or b)even date for any length of time. I do remember saying to someone in college that I thought I'd be married by the time I was 28, mostly because that seemed so far in the future. (Heh.)
The first person I ever remember talking to me about the subject of the female name change was Sandy Lerner, who was my boss and mentor and all-around favorite person when I was a freshman at Stanford. I asked her why she hadn't changed her name and she talked about how she had her own identity as Sandy Lerner, not as Sandy Bosack, and how the name change was originally introduced because the woman became the man's property--first time I'd ever heard that; so much for my progressive all-girls school--and no one ever thinks a man should change his name but a woman should. She said she might consider it if the guy had a much better last name than "Lerner," but, as she said, "Bosack" wasn't it.
I mentioned that my mom goes by Mrs. Sinead Patterson, and Sandy said, "That's okay. It's the ones who go by Mrs. John Smith who drive me crazy."
I didn't know anyone who went totally by her husband's name, and I agreed that it was somewhat creepy.
Sandy's take on things seemed pretty reasonable to me, and the more I thought about it, the more changing my name seemed to be extremely odd. Why would I do that? The only reason seems to be so that people would know I was married, which seems pretty lame; like I couldn't tell them to back off without it.
By the time I got married, I was pretty used to referring to myself as Diane Patterson, and Darin didn't care if I changed my name or not. He said he wasn't changing his and that's all he knew.
All of my friends (save one) who were roughly the same age who got married changed their names, and in every single case said they were doing it for the children. (I felt like asking, "What children?" since they didn't have any yet.) They all complained about what a hassle it is to change your name, because there are endless documents to change it on: your passport, your bank accounts, your credit cards. The ones who got divorced seemed to have a bigger problem: should she change back to her maiden name (what a horrible phrase that is) or continue to go by her ex-husband's name (until such time, one supposes, she gets married again)?
My college roommate, Mary Jones, married John Smith and became Mary Jones-Smith, which strikes me as even weirder. I hate the whole hyphenation thing to begin with--when Joe Jones-Smith marries Jane Doe-Roe, do they have hyphenation wars?--but it seems to me if you're going to take your husband's name, his ought to go first (the way they do it in Hispanic cultures). I mean, that way you'd be listed under the same letter, right? As it is, Mary and John are going to be listed separately, under J and S, so the name change seems like a total waste of time.
I can't believe that it's still so much of a hassle to have two different last names. Like continually getting double beds in Israel. Or one time when I had to rent a car in Austin (because Darin discovered his driver's license had expired), and the car rental clerk looked at my driver's license and said, "You haven't gotten it changed yet, huh?" Why...no, I haven't.
Or when Darin's friend Pace realized I hadn't changed my name and asked what name our kids would have. I said, "We haven't thought about it, but probably Adler," and he immediately responded, "Oh, his name is good enough for them but not good enough for you?" (I chalk that comment up to low self-esteem on his part.) I started reconsidering the whole kids'-last-name thing in a new light.
Darin's entire contribution to the kids' name thing consisted of, "I want them all to have the same last name. None of this 'the boys have Dad's last name and the girls have Mom's' stuff."
The worst one is American Airlines's current policy of issuing electronic tickets to married couples--provided they have the same last name. If you have different last names, you're SOL. (One wonders what they say to, say, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.) I have the address around here somewhere to write and complain. I mean, we're entering a new century here, folks: get wit the program.
It's surprising, but it seems that the generation of women before mine was more likely to keep their names and that my generation is far more likely to change theirs. So maybe that's just the way it goes.
As a writer, I've found that the name of a character is incredibly important--changing the name of the character changes their personality, their look, everything. Changing your name is an incredible statement--even more so if you're changing it to someone else's simply because you're female and he's male. Doesn't that strike anyone else as, well, odd? I can understand changing your name because you hate the family you grew up in and don't want to be reminded of them, but simply changing it to someone else's name seems like a copout. If you need a new identity, make it up for yourself--don't take someone else's.
I've had people opine to me that "It means you're a family now," to which I respond (or at least want to), If that's what it takes to be a family, you have a lot more work to do. Or, if the two of you are making a new family together, why not choose a new name for both of you, like David and Alaina Sloo did? That seems reasonable--but most guys won't go for it. Why? Because they already have their own identities and aren't dependent on anyone else.
Frankly, it's pretty handy having two last names. If we get phone calls for Mrs. Adler or Mr. Patterson, we know they're trying to sell something.
I still remember an Andy Rooney segment from 60 Minutes a million years ago in which he said that marriages in which the woman didn't change her name seemed to end in divorce more often than marriages in which she did change her name. "I don't know why that is, it just is."
And it still pisses me off to this day. Because he decided something on no evidence whatsoever--it seemed "right" to him--and he presented it as just an observation. Except he wasn't even offering this completely nonsensical conclusion as a correlation, he was offering it as a causal relation: women who don't change their names are more likely to destroy marriages.
I've hated Andy Rooney for a long time. This is the one I always remember though.
I think I pulled a chest muscle at the gym today. Owie.
|
|
|
|
Copyright 1999 Diane Patterson
Send comments and questions to diane@spies.com