Fury

Anger is the deadliest of the sins for me. I know why this is: I learned from my parents to bottle up my anger and let it simmer until the whole pot boiled over and exploded. I let little things go by until one day I have a completely inappropriate reaction to some transgression. I am afraid of my anger.

Right now, I am consumed by it.

Anger feels horrible to me. Like it's a fire that's raging out of control. Like I might hit something. Or someone. I want to scream, I want to throw things. When I imagine ways of dealing with this situation, I see myself yelling, throwing, hitting. It's terrifying. I feel a ball of energy sitting in the middle of my chest, ready to slash out.

I am in my last semester at USC and once again the bureaucracy has raised its ugly hydra-like head. There is a class several of us want to take. So many GSP students signed up for it that they added another section. A couple of us do not want to take this section; we wish to take the section we signed up for.

No. Absolutely not.

But it's easier for us in terms of logistics and time.

No. Absolutely not.

We prefer the teacher of Section #2 to that of Section #1.

No. Absolutely not.

The director of the GSP program has told the teacher of Section #2 that under no condition may he accept GSP students--for a writing class--even if he wants to, which he does, very much.

Two of my fellow students went in to talk to the director today. One of them couldn't get a word in edgewise. The two of them waited 2 hours to speak to the head of the Writing Division. All he said was that he would talk to the director of the GSP program.

This is not the first time that they have said we can't take certain classes for no particular reason than they said so--even the teachers let us in. It's not convenient for the bureaucracy, or they have some system set up, or they've made some arbitrary rule, and now I can't take the class that I deem the best for my education.

I talked to the teacher of Section #2 today for 10 minutes and fell in love. I must take this man's class, and it's going to be an uphill battle. As Carolann said, Except for a few teachers and a few classes, the USC experience has been a wash. Those few teachers, like Len God-among-men Schrader, have been fantastic. The others...thousands of dollars wasted.

This Section #2 teacher is fantastic. We know this already.

I imagine starting a Web campaign against USC's Film School, urging prospective students to take their interest--and their money--elsewhere. I imagine planting myself in the director's office and refusing to budge until she changes her mind. A few times I've imagined becoming physically violent.

My hands are shaking. Literally.

I know I am no good at face-to-face debates. I suck it up when someone tells me You Can't. Then I get angry at myself for not flying off the handle, for not telling them to shove it, for not showing them to be the petty-minded simpletons that they are.

Darin told me, What good is it going to do to go over the Head of the Writing Division? You have to wring it out of the people closest to the program. And I don't know how.

I am furious. Probably because I feel so weak.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

6.8 pounds my first week, or 4.25% of my total body mass. The exercise starts tomorrow, in a bid to a)get back in shape and b)continue the weight loss at something other than an infinitesimal trickle.

My jeans feel a tiny bit looser.