how to find a happy balance.
Q: Now, all of the candidates...are running against your behavior and conduct, not just the Republicans as Helen mentioned, but all of the candidates.
A: Well, if I were running, I'd do that.
I am really sick of the color blue.
All baby accessories -- car seats, bouncy chairs, playpens, strollers -- come in some shades of blue, usually dark blue. Actually, our car seat is a light blue with dark blue decorations (and some pastels) on it.
What's wrong with some reds? Or royal greens? Some kind of patterns, for crying out loud, that do not focus heavily on blue?
The playpen situation is especially egregious. Playpens come in blue, blue-and-green plaid, blue-and-blue plaid, blue-and-yellow plaid, blue teddy bears, and, of course, camouflage. Playpens are very convenient, especially when traveling, as my sister found out, but still -- stylistically they're a nightmare.
There are two reasons that come to mind (well, my mind, at any rate) for why blue, especially dark blue, is so darn popular in baby gear:
- Dark blue hides dirt better.
- God forbid American parents put their boy babies in or near anything that smacks of the unmasculine.
After all, if we have another baby and it's a boy -- calm down, Darin, this is just a hypothetical situation -- and all of our baby stuff was in pink or even yellow, we'd have to go out and buy it all again, wouldn't we? (And everything, including car seats and bouncy chairs, is washable, so stains and dirt don't matter that much.)
Look, I know parents don't want to buy things twice, so you wouldn't want something that was all frilly and girly and OOPS! it's a boy. There are a lot more colors than blue. There's a reason they're not being used.
This emphasis on having everything blue-for-boys -- and you can't walk around Babies R Us and tell me it's just coincidence everything is designed this way -- has more to do with the parents and their concerns about gender identity than it does about the baby. The baby, let's face it, is far more concerned about being clean and dry than whether his car seat matches his season.
Gender stereotyping is so ingrained in our society I have cause to doubt my (very earnest) friends who talk about raising their children gender-neutral -- not that I think they're not trying to do it, just that I think it's damn near impossible, no matter what you do.
I read somewhere (yes, the unattributed anecdote, but I use this as illustration, not proof) about a mother who, while reading books to her son, had used "he" and "she" equally when referring to the animal characters in the books, rather than only "he." When the boy finally attended school, he saw a squirrel in the playground and referred to it as "she"; the other kids immediately corrected him by informing him the squirrel was a "he." (I doubt the kids were really attentive to the important characteristics that might have informed them about the squirrel's true identity.) Do parents know how little references like that influence their children?
An easily defendable example: all children's movies are made with a boy as the main character. There may be a girl sidekick, but the boy's the main guy. Evidently boys won't go to see "girl" movies. Or perhaps parents won't take boys to see girl movies. There was a whole discussion about this when A Little Princess came out, which I remember because so many critics said it was a good movie but had been dumped by the studio...which then claimed that kids's movies starring girls were a waste.
Children's TV: is it 50-50 boys and girls? Do boys watch Powerpuff Girls? What is Saturday morning TV like these days?
I don't know how children's books work, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were much the same way: books starring boys are marketed to boys and girls, books starring girls are marketed to girls.
What Darin and I can do about this for our daughter? How do we teach her that she can do whatever she wants, that everything's open to her? Do we just keep talking to her, trying to be good role models, pointing out the horrible stereotypes we see in movies and TV? Or is there something deliberate we have to do from Day One? And does being a good role model mean I have to work outside the home, or can I continue to write here and take care of her, the way I'd like?
Darin actually said to me the other day: "I don't know anything about raising a girl." I'm not sure I do either. I want to raise my daughter to be happy she's a girl, without leaving her thinking that's all she can be: a pretty ornament dependent on someone else. And never having been a "typical" girl myself -- never got into dresses (although I did go through a short skirt phase), never wore makeup, never took Cosmo seriously (and was surprised to find women who did) -- I don't know what to tell her. If she's really interested in fashion to the exclusion of interest in science and mathematics, do I discourage her? Or is there a way to raise her so she's interested in both?
I do think a passing familiarity with some of the trappings of femininity would serve her better than my total disdain for them did for me -- there are lots of facets to being a girl, and I don't for a second think I know them all. I don't want to raise her to think of herself as a different kind of boy...but I'm not even sure what that means. What is it to be a girl or a boy anyhow?
(Francine Prose had a controversial article in the New York Times Magazine about "women's culture" and how essentially stupid and trivial it is. I don't think she made a good case for herself on NPR's "Talk of the Nation" -- for example, she doesn't appear to believe there's any purpose in focusing on women-specific issues, which is nonsense. Or perhaps she doesn't believe there's any way to discuss them without trivializing them.)
I do know I'd really feel like I was a failure if my daughter ever said to me what a friend of mine in high school said to me about why she was going to college: "To get my MRS degree." Yes, she really said it, she was serious, and I had not only never heard such a sentiment before, it took me a few moments to figure out what she meant. I assume she succeeded -- we fell out of touch after going off to college.
Forum: gender roles and stereotyping -- help!
(Jeez. I really was just thinking about the preponderance of blue in baby decorations.)
Darin and I met with my ob-gyn's associate (not his partner...I guess I should have ask for clarification on exactly what that means) today. He's the guy who might deliver our baby if I go into the hospital when he's on call instead of our doctor. I drew a blank on what to ask him. We had been in the waiting room for a very long time when we finally saw him, mostly because his nurse is incompetent: first, she did a very poor of job of taking my blood pressure (108/60, thanks for asking), and then she forgot to turn on the waiting room light, which tells the doctor someone's waiting. Sigh.
Afterward we went to the Beverly Center to have lunch at Ubon, the noodle house opened by Nobu Matsuhisa, he of "Nobu" and "Matsuhisa" restaurants fame. Rating: very good -- and a great deal more affordable than Matsuhisa is. My only wish is that I'd had warm udon noodles with my unagi donburi instead of the cold soba noodles Darin ordered (I had just said, "Me too").
Darin says he's going to go to Ubon to get a meal while I'm in the hospital. Ha! I say.
I still haven't made it to Costco. Oh well.
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Copyright 2000 Diane Patterson
Send comments and questions to diane@spies.com