Real Life ER

I wondered if someone's car had broken down, or maybe one of our friends had decided to surprise us and had just shown up at Burbank Airport. (I have a strange imagination that hopes for such things.)

Darin came into my office, where I was playing Diablo, and said, "Come on, we've got to go."

"What is it?"

"Mj needs to go to the emergency room."

My friend Mj, who lives a couple of blocks away and is the funniest guy I know (to the point where I'd like to shake him and say, "Stop making jokes already! You've made the sale!"), had suddenly and violently come down with some kind of illness: vomiting, diarrhea, chills. He called an ambulance, but was told that the ambulance ride would be $200 and the hospital visit $500--and he doesn't have health insurance. So he was going to take a cab to the nearest county hospital, but then called us instead.

"I won't vomit in your car," he said.

"You better not," I said, and then I realized that he wasn't kidding around: he was going to work very hard not to vomit.

Mj moaned most of the way to the Olive View/UCLA County Hospital, which is way the hell north of where we are, up in Olive View. (The other free hospital is evidently County/USC, which is downtown.) We got him to the emergency room and Darin left to go park the car. Mj took two steps towards the emergency walk-in door and began vomiting. A lot. I ran in and got him paper towels from the bathroom.

He filled out the paperwork and the 3 of us sat down to wait. The waiting room was filled at 9pm on a Friday night, although there was few dire emergencies in the waiting room--I guess the people bleeding to death don't have to go through the triage process.

How it works is:

1. You fill out some paperwork and get a number.

2. When your number's called, you go in to see the triage doctor, who's probably only an intern.

3. The triage doctor rates your case. Mj, when he finally made this step, got a "priority" rating.

4. You deliver your paperwork to the emergency staff.

5. Your name gets called and you get an interview with an emergency physician.

6. If you don't appear to be near to dying right then, you wait some more--usually, hours--to see an emergency doctor.

We waited with Mj through the interview with the emergency physician, which took about an hour. At that point they told him the wait would be a couple of hours--he was still vomiting, he still had diarrhea, his fingernails were turning blue, and he had a severe case of the chills, but he wasn't as bad as some--and he told us we might as well pack it in.

Darin and I had had an okay time up until we left, because we eavesdropped on the conversation taking place behind us. It took both of us quite a while to figure out what the conversation was about, but once we did, wild horses couldn't have dragged us out of there.

    GLORIA, 50, heavily made-up and over-dressed for the ER, sits  
    on the chairs facing the entrance door of the ER.
    
    DOUG, 40s or 50s, is badly dressed and unkempt, but not dirty.  
    He probably hangs out at the ER a lot. He sits catty-cornered 
    to Gloria, facing the triage rooms.
    
    They raise their voices to be heard. Heard all over the waiting room, 
    that is.
    
            DOUG
        This guy is a movie producer, right?
        He has the money. He rents these
        houses in Beverly Hills for 20, 30
        thousand dollars a month. But he only
        pays the first month. Then he lives
        there while the owners try to evict him.
        I read about this in the LA Times.
        
            GLORIA
        But he's got money. I know people like 
        that.
        
            DOUG
        Where I come from, if you borrow money,
        and you can't pay it back, that's one 
        thing. But if you borrow money and you've
        got money, and you don't pay it back,
        you're going to make people angry.
        He had people out to get him.
        
    DIANE, very early 30s, leans over to her husband, DARIN, also early 30s.
    
            DIANE
        Menendez?
        
    Darin, still listening intently, shakes his head.
    
            DOUG
        He borrowed $250,000 from this actress and
        didn't pay her back. I read about this in the 
        LA Times. Why was she attracted to him?
        For his money, I guess. But he's borrowing money
        from her. No, he was done in.
        
            GLORIA
        But what about her? Princess Diana didn't have
        any enemies.
        
            DOUG
        Sure she did. The royal family.
        
            GLORIA
        They didn't want that man being the stepfather
        to the future King of England.
        
    Diane and Darin start giggling, quietly.
        
            DOUG
        Absolutely right. This was in the works for over
        a year.
        
            GLORIA
        If that man had been the king's stepfather--
        
            DOUG
        I get everything from the LA Times.
        
            GLORIA
        I watch Lifetime. There's a lot about men
        doing things like that to women. Especially stalking.
        
            DOUG
        I'm not saying stalking's okay, but the closest 
        I ever came to stalking was...

Also enjoyable was Gloria and Doug's conversation about smoking. Gloria had already been in the ER waiting room for 5 hours and hadn't seen anyone about her "badly infected foot." Doug hadn't been there that long, but he'd been there long enough that he wanted to go smoke.

            GLORIA
        You can't smoke?
        
            DOUG
        Well, no, not in here. I'd have to go outside and
        smoke. And they don't have any speakers outside.
        
            GLORIA
        I'll call you. What's your name?
        
            DOUG
        And I don't have my cigarettes on me. I'd have
        to go get my cigarettes.
        
            GLORIA
        Go to your car and get your cigarettes. I'll let
        you know if they call your name. What's your name?
        
            DOUG
        See, I've been trying to quit. I will quit. But
        right now I really want a smoke, and I don't have
        any cigarettes. They don't sell them here.
        
            GLORIA
        You'd have to go buy some cigarettes?
        
            DOUG
        And I don't know where around here to go for them.
        I don't know this neighborhood.
        
            GLORIA
        If you want to go, I'll listen for your name. What's
        your name?
        
            DOUG
        Oh. Doug. It's okay. I'll wait. I don't need a
        cigarette.

I told Darin my new activity for Friday nights was going to be hanging out in ER waiting rooms for great dialogue. Unfortunately, I've had to reconstruct Gloria and Doug's conversation here, and I'm quite sure I haven't done it justice.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

My left leg is still bothering me. More specifically, it seems to be the muscle that attaches my left leg to my hip, on the outside.