why don't i get a digital phone?
When we were trying to get the injunction (against Playboy), my attorney made me promise not to speak. I was bored with the whole thing and was writing on the bulletin board "XX=truth, XY=confusion." The guy who was going to testify against me said I was sexist and I said, "That's not sexist, it's a biological fact. I majored in biology. XX chromosome is a female, XY is a male. That's from God." He said, "Some of us think God is a woman," and I was like, "Right, surely that's you." Legally, we were at odds for a long time. Then, I just let it go.
One year ago: I get hepped up about cynicism.
Two years ago: I enjoy the San Diego Comic Con.
Three years ago: I have lunch with Jackie, a classmate.
Four years ago: I am extraordinarily cheesed off at 70s TV.
I have a car phone. It's a really cool car phone: not only is it hands-free -- there's a microphone mounted by the rear-view mirror and the voice of the person I'm talking to comes in over my Bose stereo system -- but the heart of the unit is an actual cell phone, which I can remove from the car and take with me, like any other cell phone. The phone is seemlessly integrated into the interior of my car, which is as it should be, considering Darin paid the dealer a honking load of money to install it.
Problem: the charge on the battery on said cell phone lasts approximately 17 seconds after being removed from the car. It didn't always; it's just run down over two years. It's state-of-the-art cell phone battery technology. State-of-the-art for 1988. The battery is a problem because that means I can't take the cell phone with me, which sort of undermines the whole concept of a cell phone's utility. When I go out, I want to be accessible to whoever's got Pookie, so I can snap into action at a moment's notice.
So I went to the nearest Verizon office with the phone to get a new battery. Verizon used to be Airtouch Cellular and about 46 other phone companies, until they banded together under a Latin word meaning "conglomeratus maximus." Remember when there was a lot of sturm-and-drang about Ma Bell being broken up? Raise your hand if you even remember Ma Bell. I thought so. Anyhow, we went from one phone company to 800 and now we're headed back to 3, all of whom will fix prices and life will suck.
I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, I was in the Verizon office.
I showed the Motorola phone to the clerk and he looked at it as though I'd just handed him an alien artifact. After a few moments he looked at me and said, "Why don't you get a digital phone?" He explained that a whole new phone would be cheaper than my buying a new battery. (And you wonder why we have a throwaway economy.)
I explained to him that I had an integrated car phone and I was pretty sure it could not be upgraded to digital.
He told me about the great special I qualified for (whee ha) that Verizon was having on installation of hands-free car phones. He got to the part where "installation of an extra speaker under the dash" was mentioned and I said, "I'd really rather use the speakers I have. Is there anyone I can talk to to find out whether I can use the system I've got?"
He had no idea, so he gave me the number for Verizon technical support.
I went home and called them. I must have spoken to five people, all of whom wanted to tell me about the great special on installation of car phones I could get. No one could tell me if my car phone could be upgraded.
I had to go to yoga class. So I called Verizon from the car, which was a mistake, because when I was finally talking to a guy who figured out what I was talking about, I was standing outside of the car with my phone in my hand and the 17-second rule kicked in. We got disconnected.
I got home and tried one more time. Every time I talked to a new representative I started off with, "I don't want to hear about the Verizon special, okay?" Eventually I was connected with a woman who knew what kind of phone I had and could state definitively that it could not be upgraded to digital. I would need a second, ugly, tacked-on phone system installed in my car.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was being a stupidhead grande and should just look on the Internet for information about what I could do. So I fired up DejaNews and searched on the newsgroup for my car with "digital phone." And sure enough: not only were there lots of other car owners highly annoyed with their integrated phone systems, but they were annoyed to find out that the upgrade to digital was $1300. In essence, a whole new phone system.
The next day I went to a different Verizon office (the first one didn't have a battery for me) and asked if they had any batteries for my car phone.
The clerk -- Andrei, one of the many Russians around here; you wouldn't think of LA being a big Russian haven, but you'd be wrong! -- examined the phone with the alien-artifact look again (does Verizon teach them that or something?) and said, "Why don't you get a digital phone?"
I sighed. Audibly.
I told him what kind of car I had and he said, "Oh, a friend of mine just bought one of those! We drove it out on the sand at Long Beach. And got stuck."
"Yes, well, it's not really four wheel drive," I said.
He insisted that it was just silly for me to have an analog phone in the car, so he got on the phone to the dealer to see if something couldn't be worked out.
His boss, another Russian guy, came over and found out what was going on. "That's why I have two phones!" he said. "I have that kind of car too! It costs $1500 to upgrade to digital! Just get another phone!"
Andrei said he'd get to work on this immediately and see what could be done for me. He hasn't gotten back to me yet, and I'm not going to count him out, because it's could be that another Russian emigre works at the car dealer and the two of them together will make some superspecial Slavic Friendship Association deal for me. But I think I know what the 411 is: it's going to be $1300 to $1500, and a new digital phone is only $35/month, including long-distance for free, you know?
40 months of a brand-new phone or upgrading the car phone (without even paying for the damn phone service). Hmmm. Wait, don't rush me.
I may be moving to a two-cell-phone life pretty soon: one for the car, one for the purse. Fernando has that setup: the number most people call him on is in his car, and if the call doesn't get picked up there, it rolls over to his pocket phone. I need to find out about how many minutes and what's the cheapest way I can do this and whatever else I need to know about having two phones.
(I just realized that if I get another digital phone, Darin and I will have six phones between the two of us -- and neither of us likes to talk on the phone! I can't wait until Pookie demands her three-phone allocation.)
Today's fun quote:
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
-Geoffrey Cottrell, New York Journal-American, September 22, 1961
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Copyright 2000 Diane Patterson
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