How to cook up a “perfect” heroine

Carina Chocano has an article in today’s LA Times Calendar about the seven rules for movie heroines. Every one of her rules resonates with me. Resonates with me as to why I cannot stand most of the women in movies today, especially in romantic comedies:

How? After watching “Monster-in-Law,” I canvassed a few writers—who won’t be named, so that they may continue to write and happily incorporate notes—to share directives they’d received while creating their romantic heroines. There is no such thing, it appears, as a romantic comedy heroine who couldn’t benefit from being just a little more “likable” than she already is (Rule No. 1). “Likable” of course, can mean many things in the real world; but for a studio it tends to mean that she does some kind of work involving animals or the elderly. Perhaps she’s a veterinarian, or a zookeeper. If she works in business, she has a boss who doesn’t appreciate her, or steals her ideas. Whatever it is, she has it tough. Sometimes she’s a single mother, “trying to hold it all together in this tough, dog-eat-dog world,” one writer offers. “Also, likable often means clumsy,” she adds. “She falls down a lot, but in an adorable fashion. Likable also means pretty. As we all know, the fat are unlikable.”

The seven rules, in case you need the summary instead:

1. There is no such thing, it appears, as a romantic comedy heroine who couldn’t benefit from being just a little more “likable” than she already is.
2. Once she’s been established as almost unbelievably likable, a heroine must be “sympathetic” because, what if she got so likable people actually started to hate her? She must be punished for her smug likability—dumped, cheated on, left at the altar.
3. While it’s OK to spend some time with Ben & Jerry, heartbreak does not call, under any circumstances, for excessive, depressive or erratic behavior of any kind.
4. Essential story elements can and should be jettisoned if they risk making one of the female leads less attractive than she otherwise might be.
5. Sexiness is good, but having sex is problematic.
6. In the case of a male protagonist, one can’t go wrong inserting supermodels wherever humanly possible.
7. If a character’s age is ever mentioned, best to make it 29—29 being the universal sell-by date after which point singleness, klutzy adorability, etc., cross the line from “sympathetic” to simply “pathetic.”

(Via Booksquare.)