I have a new criterion for evaluating someone’s critical taste. I will ask, “Did you see Van Helsing?” If the answer is “Yes,” I will ask their opinion of the movie. If they say anything other than, “Wow, that was irredeemable trash, wasn’t it?” I will have no respect for this person and need never listen to a damn thing they have to say on the subject of movies, stories, or the best way to spend two hours of one’s life.
Good God, what a bad, stupid, insulting movie. Seriously. Terrible script. Terrible. No story. Awful acting—and not in a fun sort of way either. No sense of pacing. Nothing fun to do with the beloved monsters of Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Wolfman. Nothing makes sense—and not in a fun sort of way either.
Ugh. Unbelievable that this made any money at all.
Later: I posted on a mailing list more details about why this movie bugged me so much. Here’s basically what I posted (edited a bit):
(Sorry if there are any spoilers in what follows, but seriously — if
this movie can be spoiled for you, it should be.)
The movie wants to make use of the Big 3 Universal monsters: Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Wolf Man. Okay, that lends itself to diluting the overall thrust, so we’ll divvy them up: one will be the good guy, one will be the bad guy, and one will be…hmmm. Something.
Dracula will be the main bad guy. It’ll turn out that he can only be killed by the Wolf Man. That’s kind of an addition to the mythology, but since other things we know about the Wolf Man—how you turn into one, for example—are the same, we’ll allow it. Also, this allows us a reason why Our Hero becomes one of the three monsters. So, while the Wolf Man isn’t good, he’s necessary to kill Dracula. Frankenstein’s Monster will be a good guy. He’s intelligent, he’s scared of Dracula, he wants to help Van Helsing.
So far, it’s okay. Nothing terrible, nothing special.
Then the movie goes off the deep end.
In Van Helsing, Dracula desperately wants to get his hands on Frankenstein’s Monster. Something about how Frankenstein’s Monster was raised is important, which is why Dracula needs to get his claws on him.
And why is that? Turns out Dracula needs the tech used to make the
Monster in order to create his offspring.
I’m sorry…what the fuck?
We all know vampire mythology — we know how Dracula makes his “children.” We know, in fact, that that’s how he does it in this movie too, because one plot point involves Dracula threatening to turn Princess Black Latex into one of his wives. So what’s all this crap with electricity and Frankenstein’s Monster and sacs of bats (seriously)…? Why was that again?
(When we saw the sacs of batlings, Darin said, “I know the queen Alien is around here somewhere.” It was that obvious a rip-off of Aliens. I responded, “What are we supposed to use, harsh language?”)
So the entire point of this movie, ostensibly to use the three stars of the horror movie canon, comes up with a stupid and completely unnecessary addition to vampire lore as the engine of the story.
Oh yes: and everything else about the movie sucked too. But it’s hard to rise above complete stupidity, so that’s not that surprising.
Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Wolf Man? No offense, dude, but I didn’t even know they were *IN* the movie. Somewhere during the opening credits, I realized Kate Beckinsale was in this movie (playing virtually the same leather-clad character she did a month or two ago in Underworld) and my brain clicked into drool mode for the next 90 minutes. The only way I survived the movie was to focus on my happy place, which is… well, basically it’s the body of Kate Beckinsale.
I hear they’re coming out with part two. Hopefully she gets in a naked coconut oil fight in this one, otherwise I might not survive the sheer banal stupidity of the rest of it.
It kept verging on the edge of parody so much that I kept asking my kids “Is this supposed to be a comedy… or what?! what?”