The short version is: terrible, but hilarious.
As I said to Darin in the car last night, “In two days I’m not going to be able to tell you anything about the plot of this movie.” And here it is, the morning, and I realize that I was way, way optimistic with the whole “two days” thing. The gang from Ocean’s 11 reunites to do another job, because Andy Garcia, the guy they ripped off from the first movie is really, really angry at them and wants them to give back the money they stole. “But your insurance paid for it!” is repeated a couple of times.
The gang ends up in Europe—first Amsterdam, then Paris, then Rome—pulling off fantastic heists and competing with another thief who goes by the handle the Night Fox. (Had to ask Darin what the name was. I’d already forgotten it.) The Night Fox dares them to steal a really well-protected treasure; if they succeed, he’ll pay off their debts, and if he succeeds, they have to admit he’s the best thief. Also, they have to go to jail.
Danny Ocean takes the bet. Much hilarity ensues.
Funniest line: “We can’t train a cat that fast.”
Most entertaining person in the movie: I am totally a Matt Damon fan now, and I cannot believe that I even typed those words. But he’s been so good in everything I’ve ever seen him in, and this is no exception. So, yeah, having Matt Damon in a movie is a total plus for me. Just in case you’re casting or anything.
Most disappointing person in the movie: What was Don Cheadle doing in this movie? I don’t mean, Why did he sign up for this movie even though they had nothing for him to do, because if that were the criteria, at least 9 of the 12 shouldn’t have signed on. No, I mean, “What is that verkakete accent?” Oy. Dude. Stop it already.
There was one aspect of this movie that Darin found, in his word, “odious.” It has to do with the big surprise in this film, so if you don’t know what that is or want to know, don’t read this next bit:
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The fawning attention to celebrities throughout the movie really, really annoyed Darin. And since the entire point of a movie like Ocean’s 12 is to watch celebrities, the movie is falling all over itself to say, Aren’t we special?
The major heist toward the end of the movie relies on the whole celebrity thing to an obnoxious degree. Since most of the gang ends up in jail, the remaining members have to come up with a new plan to steal the treasure. And since Danny Ocean’s wife is almost a dead ringer for Julia Roberts—
No, really. That’s the plan. Julia Roberts’ character imitates Julia Roberts. Of course, the first person she runs into in the Rome hotel she’s staying in is Bruce Willis, who decides to hang out with his old friend and attend the art exhibit with her.
So, we have movie stars playing regular people and movie stars playing movie stars, and somehow we’re not supposed to notice they’re all frickin’ movie stars or something.
Personally, it was clear to me that they got to that part in the script and said, “Well, how the fuck are they supposed to get into the museum?” and someone else said, “Well, how about if…” And after the fifteenth margarita that idea sounded hilarious.
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I’m not sure I can recommend this movie to anyone, especially if you haven’t seen or didn’t like Ocean’s 11. Ocean’s 12 is definitely not a good movie. But there are some quite hilarious bits in it, and I had a good time.