There’s a whole subgenre in the Education section of behind-the-scenes-of-an-American-high-school books. These books have probably always been there, but three current examples are:
Doing School: How We Are Creating a Generation of Stressed Out, Materialistic, and Miseducated Students by Denise Clark Pope (which is about “Faircrest High,” which this Palo Alto Weekly article intimates is a Palo Alto high school; Class Dismissed: A Year in the Life of an American High School: A Glimpse into the Heart of a Nation by Meredith Maran, a look at a year at Berkeley High (which contains the priceless suggestion, among others, that all of America’s private schools should be abolished in order to promote diversity); and the one I currently am reading, School of Dreams: Making the Grade at a Top American High School by Edward Humes.
School of Dreams is the story of kids at Whitney High School in Cerritos, California (a suburb near Los Angeles) and their struggles to not only be high achievers but ridiculously high over-achievers so that they can get into the “right” college (Harvard, Stanford, Princeton) and then get the “right” job, et cetera. I’m only one chapter in and already I’m depressed out of my mind: is this what my kids have to look forward to? The title of Part I says it all: “Four is the Magic Number: Four Hours Sleep, Four Caffè Lattes, 4.0.”
Before you say, Well, it’s always been like this… permit me to cut you off with No it hasn’t. Thanks. I went to a top prep school in San Francisco, where I was ranked #1 in the class (though I wasn’t valedictorian for some reason I can’t figure out), took four or five AP tests and got 5 on all of them, and attended Stanford University. I know about being a high-achieving student. And there was no question of my sleeping only four hours a night.
I think about education and school a lot these days. It’s a huge part of my children’s future: how could I not?
§
I was discussing preschools with another woman who has kids a little older than mine. She said, “There are two kinds of preschools: the academic ones, and the ones that are just babysitting.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d heard such a sentiment. Back in Los Angeles I was discussing preschools with the mother of one of Sophia’s buds and I mentioned how I was a big proponent of Sophia’s preschool’s developmental philosophy: learn by doing, no academics.
And she said that her daughter had spent time with a babysitter who had chickens in her yard, she was done with her daughter playing with chickens, it was time for a little structure.
Would it have been worth it for me in either case to attempt to explain that “developmental” does not mean “babysitting” or “playing with chickens”? That academics for the very young is not only mostly a waste of time, it may be counterproductive and turn the kids off of academic learning when it actually comes time for them to handle it?
In neither case did I say, “Your opinions on this matter are completely full of crap,” though I wanted to.
§
I invited Kate and her family over for a Labor Day Monday grilling party Darin and I were having. More specifically, I left the invitation on her voicemail Saturday night. Darin and I have a tendency to leave things until the last minute: we didn’t even buy the grill (or the patio furniture) until Sunday.
Anyhow, Kate couldn’t attend (because she’d made “plans” or something ahead of time) and I asked if she wanted to get together for a playdate with our daughters. She had to pass for right now. Her daughter Becky is a little older than Sophia—five, in fact, and I’d forgotten that five-year-olds have this tendency to enter kindergarten in the fall.
Kate lives in Palo Alto, and when you think of great public schools what you are thinking of is Palo Alto. When Darin and I were first thinking about moving back to the Bay Area, Sophia was a few months old. I wanted to move to Palo Alto…and I abandoned that idea pretty quickly. The median price for a home in Palo Alto is $1.1m. (this might be hearsay, but given the prices I read in the real estate sections, I don’t think so) for two main reasons: Palo Alto is right in the heart of the Peninsula, so it’s easy to get to anywhere from San Francisco to San Jose, and the schools are among the top-rated in the state. Yes, that still means something, even in California. (Cupertino’s housing prices are outrageously high for the same reason.) Palo Alto is home of the high-achieving. I didn’t quite realize how much so until I got Kate’s response:
That sounds like a good plan, but we’ll need to pass in the short-term because Becky’s still adjusting to a new schedule.
School, tap/ballet classes, and regular playdates each week are keeping her busy. Plus, I’m finding some new variables tricky to gauge. The first month, school lets out at noon, in a few weeks she’ll be out at 1:15 on Wednesdays, and then a few weeks after that she’ll be getting out at 1:45 two other days a week. She’s already tired now; they only allow one 20 minute snack/recess break per day. You went to Palo Alto schools, right? [I didn’t, actually, unless you count “Stanford” as a Palo Alto school. But I know all about the schools’ reputation. — Diane] So you know how serious they are. They’ve already started handing out homework; this week it’s correctly written upper and lower case alphabet & proper sentence structure (correct use of case, spacing, periods, etc.). Getting up at 7am every day is making all of us tired (we used to get up at 9)!
My exact reply to her was: This is NUTS. A school day from 9:00 to 1:45 with one 20 minute break? For a five year old? Homework? Is this typical? If a five year old needs to bring work home, what are they covering in class?
(I happen to be against homework for the most part—I certainly remember most of it before high school as being little more than busy work, and quite a bit of the high school homework was busy work too. And if you want to read more on this topic, check out The End of Homework: How Homework Disrupts Families, Overburdens Children, and Limits Learning by Etta Kralovec and John Buell.
(Not to mention that if Sophia ever starts sleeping until 9, I am going to let sleeping babies lie. I think Darin and I would pay money to have her sleep until 7. Or at least Darin would: he gets up with the kids at 6 while I stay in bed for another hour.)
Does this really sound nuts? Perhaps my poorly written description was confusing? To be clear, they do not expect the students to be ‘correct’ by the end of the week, the assignment is to practice writing the letters correctly (they have a numbered ‘formula’ for forming the letters and they specify a proper pencil grip). And, proper sentence structure is understanding that you start with a capital letter, have a space between words, and (can) end with a period.
Okay, admittedly I don’t know what Becky’s homework is like. And evidently beginning to write is not that unusual: apparently at Sophia’s preschool they start next year, in pre-K.
But I assume the kids are practicing writing at school…and then going home to practice it more… They’re on the go all day long (with one break???). Where does it stop?
And is studying proper sentence structure that normal for kindergarten? Maybe it is and I can’t get away from imagining three-year-old Sophia trying to do that sort of thing. Maybe five is the proper time for that.
The idea of homework for kindergarten affected me extremely strongly. Much more so than I would have predicted, actually. I told Kate that one of the reasons I reacted so strongly to what she’d said was that Becky’s kindergarten sounded like the “‘must push them so they can be ahead of everyone else’ mentality that is so widespread.”
She replied:
Despite a parent’s best intentions, I can see how ‘the push’ happens. How can you not encourage your child to complete their homework when everyone else in the class is? And you know next week’s assignment will build on the last.
It will be an interesting challenge for us to find the right balance for Becky. For now, as soon as Becky looks a little tired when doing the homework, we stop.
I understand the Push Mentality. Believe me, I understand it.
Okay, how demented am I about achievement?
- Both Darin and I could read before we were three, and for a long time—right up until her third birthday, probably—I wondered why Sophia wasn’t reading yet. Is there something wrong with her? I thought. Am I not reading to her enough?
- Whenever baby Sophia picked up a book, she invariably picked it up right-side-up. Whenever Simon picks up a book, he invariably picks it up upside-down. Am I not reading to him enough? What’s wrong with his visual system? Should I start practicing the alphabet with him so he knows which way the letters go? (In case you’re wondering, I don’t.)
- I wonder, sometimes, if we should be donating a whole bunch more money to Stanford every year, so they will look upon my children’s applications (should the kids decide to apply there) with more favor.
- For the longest time I told Darin that we could not let the kids know he dropped out of college, or if we did, we had to add, “And if you’re a genius like Daddy, you can drop out too.” I’ve since softened my stand on that a little. But only a little. Besides which, I’m hardly the model for what having a Stanford degree gets you.
Oh yeah. I’m hardcore.
So much so that I work extra hard at separating me and my history from who the kids are right now.
With all the reading about education I’ve been doing, I find myself getting more and more worked up about what the kids are going to do. Do I send them to school? True, I have another two years before it’s time to decide about Sophia, but still. What’s my ultimate objective for them? What will be their ultimate objectives for themselves? Do I want them to pursue their own interests? Do I want them to get on the high-pressure high-achieving train early, thereby ensuring their “success”? (Our school district, while not rated as amazingly over-the-top wonderful as Palo Alto’s or Cupertino’s, is still way up there, which is partially why the house cost so damn much.)
I’ve investigated lots of educational methodologies, and I waver between unschooling—let them be free to pursue their interests!—and the rigid classical program of The Well-Trained Mind by Jessie Wise and Susan Wise Bauer—crush the other kids with the depth and breadth of your knowledge! (Lisa Russell, homeschooling mom, appears to believe you can do both unschooling and classical, which sounds…tricky.)
Or maybe I should let ease up a bit and take advantage of the elementary, middle, and high schools that are less than a mile from our house.
It’s a wonder I can see the computer screen with all this smoke pouring out of my ears.
Not that sending the kids to school appears to be the “easy” way out. I told Kate that I was adjusting to life in Northern California much better than I was when she last saw me (which was right after we moved up and I was on the verge of hysteria having both kids with me all day long, no breaks).
I’m glad to hear you’re adjusting to your new life up here. You made some major changes! I’m always in awe of full-time mothers with multiple children. I’m barely able to keep up with one. I’ve got PTA meetings, volunteer training (so that I can help out in Becky’s classroom), I also help drive for field trips, and there are always activities to help with (back-to-school night, new families get-togethers, ice skating parties, etc.) fund raising, silent auction, etc.—-on top of all the regular stuff…..preparing lunches, baths, getting her outfits ready every day, helping her with homework, driving her everywhere, etc.
When I read this I thought, I am so homeschooling the kids. I mean, if I’m going to be that involved in my kids’ education, I might as well do it myself. (Imagine what handling all of those activities must be like for all the mothers who work full-time!) But I know how I am when I get tired or stressed—I can’t imagine the kids would enjoy that very much. And I worry about pushing them, trying to accelerate them, making sure that they’re accomplishing much more than anyone else.
I guess this isn’t an easy decision for anyone. Otherwise, why would there be endless debate about the schools? But there are just a few questions in my mind about what to do. I keep hoping that I’ll know what to do when the time comes. After all, it’s pretty much worked out that way so far.
Oh baby have I got a book for you! LOL I too am right inbetween unschooling and WTM! This is THE book for me, it is exactly what I’m looking for. http://www.gwc.edu/bookstore_ed.asp the book is “A Thomas Jefferson Education for the Twenty-first Century” by Dr. Oliver Van Demille. While you’re there, check out the site a little. http://www.gwc.edu this is where I hope my kids go to college. They use a classics/mentor approach there.
And yes I also think that kindy class is NUTS! Yikes! I’m homeschooling a second-grader and we have not done sentence structure much. Maybe I’m slacking 😉 LOL
School seems to be more and more like this, which I agree is completely nuts. Really, no one needs homework before third grade, and then maybe a few math problems. THat’s not the way it is anymore, though, and you’re expected to learn to read in kindergarten — which for some kids is no problem at all, and for others, really is.
Still — I’m not sure I’d advocate homeschooling. The parent you’ve been emailing with does seems a bit over-the-top (I, for one, have never taken much time coordinating my kids’ outfits for school!) I think you can probably send your kids to the local public school, and just try to disengage yourself from the hysteria —
It is certainly insane, though —
Chris
I’m a teacher intern (think student teacher, but a full year in the same classroom and I get an MAT at the end of it) in a first-grade classroom and from that perspective, I think the kindergarten class sounds nuts. Our public school requires daily homework–assignments for this week included such things as “write your first and last name neatly five times” and “write the numbers from one to twenty neatly two times”. This is homework for Friday; all assignments for this week have led up to that. So yes, that kindergarten seems way over the top. I, of course, am a fan of public schools, but my only real comment to you about what to do would be this: nothing you decide is written in stone. You can always change your mind, either pulling your kids out of school or putting them in it. I’m sure you know that, but sometimes hearing it from an outside source makes a difference. Good luck to you.
I, for one, have never taken much time coordinating my kids’ outfits for school!
Nah, in Kate’s defense, I can totally understand this. I am the ultimate lackadaisical mother and even now allow Sophia to choose her own outfits in the morning…which means she sometimes goes to school wearing a horizontal striped shirt and her pants with hearts all over them. It’s not a pretty combination. I should probably step in and do some coordinating before someone says, “Psst…”
You know I’m totally biased, but: I think that if your children’s education is really important to you, then teaching them at the rate they’re ready to learn is vital.
However, just like women who feel resentful and irritated when they’re breastfeeding, the benefits aren’t going to outweigh the negatives if you hate every minute of it.
It’s possible to send the kids to school, *and* be involved (though not to Kate’s degree, that’s insane) *and* homeschool when they’re home.
And yes, it’s crazy-making to be home all day with two kids, but right now they can attend preschool, and I’d guess that there are homeschooled kids in the area who get together for playgroups. (If there aren’t, start one.)
In the end, do you want them to love learning, or view it as a chore?
I think you’ve done a good job conveying all the back and forth that our minds do while trying to figure out what’s best for our children! For what it’s worth, my son started kindergarten at a charter school this year (public, but not the same curriculum.) I spent time visiting all the schools in the area, trying to find one where the philosophy was closest to mine. And I found one where homework is a fact of life, but is de-emphasized, not usually graded, and supposed to be just an extension of their work during the school day – not busy work. For example, in kindergarten he brings home a poetry book with the newest poem for the week that he has illustrated and we get to read it together at home – that’s it. Maybe there’s schools like that around you too…
Calm down, Diane! Did anyone let you in on the secret of parenthood that is do what you (the parents) feel is best for your child? I live and work with parents that do EVERYTHING for their child–do they do anything for themselves, I wonder? I have 4 children, ranging from 4 to 18 years and have seen just about everything. You do what you can, help when they will let you and talk to the ceiling when you need strength. Not every child is destined to be #1 in their class or the next Bill Gates. One of our daughters has Ausperger’s Syndrome and we have had to re-adjust our expectations for her. It is hard. It gets harder. No one gives you this memo when they hand you a new baby. From reading about you, you appear to be an intelligent, well-informed, balanced person. What works for one child doesn’t necessarily work for another. You will find the right environment for your kids. You have choices on what kind of education they will get, plus supplement that with the parent-child learning that goes on at home. Some people have no choice in education for their children. Best of luck!
In the end, do you want them to love learning, or view it as a chore?
Just to be clear, one does not have to homeschool one’s children for them to love learning. (And you may even agree with that, I just wasn’t sure from your comment.)
And yes, there are always opportunities for learning, at home, at play, at school. My observations of my two children now in grades 9 and 11 is that some of their homework has been challenging and stretched their ability to connect with and apply what they’d done in class, and some of it was busy-work. And they’ve survived as well-adjusted, bright, thoughtful, *thinking* young people, in spite of however many hours they spent doing busy-work. I guess in retrospect, I, like most moms, just worried a lot more than I needed to.
Diane, find a situation you feel comfortable with and try it. If it doesn’t work after you give it a chance, try something else. Kids are surprisingly resilient: time spent in a less-than-perfect situation generally does not completely ruin their lives. Best of luck with your explorations!
Another Diane: you live in this area, you know what the pressure can be like. The entire Silicon Valley is populated by the kids everyone else hated in school. 🙂
I don’t think Kate’s degree of involvement is insane. I think I’m worried that I’m going to be the insane one.
I have seen this same trend, I have to say, toward more tangibly oriented people to train our children in a very sick Pavlovian sense. This same trend will also push us toward a culture more accepting of the practice of bribery, extortion, and theft of all sorts.
The entire Silicon Valley is populated by the kids everyone else hated in school. 🙂
Oops! I guess I didn’t really notice, since I must have been one of those kids whom everyone hated in school: I loved learning, and loved school, and didn’t much care that people thought I was weird. 🙂 Maybe that’s why I like it here so much. Seriously, though, if the area is full of kids who love learning even though they’re not homeschooled, that’s not so bad. If what you’re saying is that they’re all striving so hard for accolades and accomplishments that are, at heart, meaningless and nothing more than competitive, I will grant that some are like that, yes. And some are not. Some just really, truly, honestly, deep down *love* learning (and do not cheat and lie in the process). I know too many Silicon Valley teens for whom this is truly so to think it’s an aberration or a deceit. It doesn’t hurt that their studies will give them other benefits, say, when they apply to colleges, true, but they really do love learning. Drop in on the build period of any of the local schools’ FIRST Robotics teams, and watch kids being amazed at what they can do and what they’re learning and how they’re applying what they’ve learned, both in a hands-on/engineering sense and in a collaborative design and teamwork sense, and I think you’ll be heartened. They are excited, jazzed, opened to possibilities they’d never considered before. It’s energizing. (Let me know if you want an invite.)
Ah well, as we always used to say on misc.kids, YMMV. 🙂
I linked here from CalPundit. Just breathe. Obviously, the concern you have for your children is going to help them, but there’s only so much you can do. By the standards your friend has set, my parents did everything wrong, but here I am, a senior at one of the best schools in the country with a good GPA, who also manages to be a resident assistant, run one of the largest annual events on campus, be director of another group, serve as a recruitment counselor for sorority rush, and be a sorority member in good standing. I’m also exponentially more independent than the vast majority of my peers.
When I look around at the kids here whose parents more or less paid for their admission by scheduling them since birth, rather than getting in on their true ability and love of being a student, they aren’t getting half of what I am out of being here and in some cases would probably be better served by being somewhere else. If your children are gifted, they will stand out in the sea of almost identical applicants with similar backgrounds because you can’t teach a kid to love what he or she is doing.
Give your kids options, encourage them to try new things, and they will figure most things out on their own. My mom read to me when I was little, bought me my first Babysitters’ Club book when I was six, and left me alone; I was reading above a 12th grade level by 6th grade. I learned to swim at the Y for practical purposes when I was 4 and loved it, so I took swim lessons for the next 8 years for fun. My dad took me to t-ball when I was 5, and I played for 11 years, when I hurt my shoulder. I came home with a form in the 4th grade and told my parents I wanted to play the clarinet; that form got me into college 8 years later even though all my parents did was drive me to where I needed to be and put up some cash from time to time when I told them I needed it. They never cared what my IQ was, checked my homework, or had to drag me to the car to get me to do something. Any pressure I felt came from inside me because I knew what I was capable of. If you nudge your kids a little, they’ll hit the ground running anyway, I promise.
as a public school teacher (and now administrator) in a middle class suburb, i can say this: you must find what is right for you and your child. hard work, yes, but worth it in the long run. most children are naturally curious and bright and will be jazzed about elementary school. in those later educational years, the work really begins. i won’t bore you with my view of why public schools serve most kids best (email if you really want the skinny), but ALL schools are trying to serve you in different ways – just figure out what you WANT served!
Does all of this mean that as a graduate of a third-rate high school and a second-rate state university, I have no chance to compete with the rest of you? And that my children, attending public school because I can’t afford either a private school or to stay home to teach them myself, will not be able to get into a decent college?
Does all of this mean that as a graduate of a third-rate high school and a second-rate state university, I have no chance to compete with the rest of you? And that my children, attending public school because I can’t afford either a private school or to stay home to teach them myself, will not be able to get into a decent college?
For example, in kindergarten he brings home a poetry book with the newest poem for the week that he has illustrated and we get to read it together at home – that’s it. Maybe there’s schools like that around you too…
This sounds very much like something a Waldorf school would do. From third grade through sixth our ‘Summer work’ consisted of learning a poem by heart and being called on to recite it in front of the class on a rotating schedule. Some of the best memories in my life are from my grade school. What more can you ask of a school, but that the child looks back on it later and feels good about themselves and their experiences? All of this ‘Must learn, must LEARN!!’ stuff is really pretty distasteful, isn’t it? What really struck me, when we had a reunion last January was how warm and individual each person from my class was, and how little I cared about where they went to college or how their achievements compared to mine.