Nobody Knows Anything

Can anyone get Chevy Chase onto Weekend Update to say: “This just in: Barack Obama is still black!”

That should make it easier on the McCain/Palin crowd.

I won’t be able to watch the VP Debate—I’m going to be working over at the Foothill New Works Festival (seats still available!). If you’re going to be watching the debates and making a drinking game out of it, you need to prepare ahead of time, however. So here are a few ideas:

The Number One Rule: More important than having lots of coffee on hand, have lots of water available, to flush the alcohol out of your system. All coffee does is make you a wide-awake drunk.

Now, on to the game:

Obama - “Look” - 1 sip
Mccain - “My friends” - 1 sip
“Change” - jumping jack (to burn off alcohol)
Obama - “Are you f’ing kidding me?” - 2 sips
McCain - “POW” - chug
McCain - out and out lie - 1 sip (trying to pace ourselves)
McCain - mentioning Sarah Palin - 2 sips
Obama - 3 syllable word - 1 sip
“Iraq” - run around the house lift glass, yell
Obama - “John is right” - Diane screams
McCain - “terrorist organizations” - laugh hysterically
McCain - “Look” - 1 sip
Wondering who these corky CNN graders are - 1 sip
McCain - “Miss Congeniality” - 1 sip (max 3 sips)
Obama - induces McCain rage - 1 sip
Obama gets to 50 points with CNN analysts - Craig and Erik jam
McCain - “Maverick” - scream in disbelief

(We are so far behind real-time in this debate and I’m already toasty.)

McCain - mentions where he’s been or who he’s met - drink coffee
McCain - “What Senator Obama doesn’t understand” - throw tissues at TV wish we’d kept track of how many times that one had come up

HE ACTUALLY BROUGHT UP BEING A POW. Unfuckingbelievable.

As everyone knows, elections didn’t grind to a halt in 1864 or 1944.

Everyone knows what “suspending the campaign” means, most of the time, anyway. (Is this the only time that it doesn’t necessarily mean “dropping out of the race”?)

This maneuver appears to be directed toward one thing and one thing only: getting McCain out of Friday’s debate. And, by extension, postponing or canceling the Veep debate.

And I think there can really only be one reason to take this kind of PR hit, rather than face a live, unscripted appearance: there is something seriously wrong win John McCain right now. Whether it’s the rumored mild stroke on his left side or the Alzheimers that many people suspect, something massive is up big enough to warrant his campaign going forward with this nonsense about suspending the campaign until the crisis is over.

(Um, weren’t the “fundamentals” sound, last week? Now it’s a campaign stopping crisis?)

Release those damn medical records, McCain.

(Or getting Google alerts for your name, whatever.)

Apparently Diane Patterson is a character in a new book. She’s a vampire! And she looks like this.

For the record, I do not.

While waiting to pick up the kids today, I had an unusual conversation. More accurately, I was on the receiving end of a monologue about the state of this person’s marriage, their net worth, court orders in their possession concerning child custody, what type of person they like to date, and did I mention net worth? Repeatedly?

I didn’t say anything and I guess I didn’t need to. But should I have? I wonder which response would have worked for me:

1) “You really need someone better qualified than me to help you work through this traumatic situation”; or

2) “Just so you know right off the bat, I’m a writer, and wow am I using this.”

Have definitively diagnosed problems with the tomatoes I finally got to grow as “blossom rot.” So, no home-grown tomatoes for us this year. Next year: will plant them in pure calcium.

I suspected I might be the world’s worst gardener, and even growing my plants in container gardens I managed to do this. Alas. Well, I will learn for next year.

My green beans were tasty though.

Got an unusual comment from Christina the other day:

You were a joy to read… before twitter. Now, not so much. Seriously, have you not better things to say?

Well, the Twitter is basically a way to have something to say, frankly. I suppose everyone who’d be interested in my tweets have probably added me to their own Twitter lists, so I could probably stop posting them here. (I’m DianePatterson on Twitter, btw, in case you’re looking for me.)

But to answer your question: at the moment I haven’t found a particular raison d’être for this blog. Many of the things I’d like to talk about really aren’t fair for me to talk about much (for instance: my kids—yeah, I know, I win some kind of Mom-points for finally figuring that out) and others are just…well…

(more…)

• Funny comment to Jon Carroll’s latest column: “There are hypocrites on the left, but it doesn’t appear to be the theme of their movement.” #
• The boy has 3 birthday parties this weekend. None of them are for him, or I’d really be exhausted. #
• Having a cinnamon dolce latte for first time in many weeks. It is much, much too sweet. I suspect it may get a DNF. #
• Has seen five people today talking on their cell phones hands-full. I guess the honeymoon with the new law is over! #
• Taking a brief time out from birthdays. #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• Just ate 6.5 ounces of sushi-grade tuna for lunch. $10. Yum. #

Powered by Twitter Tools.